The Greater The Need For A Relationship, The More Likelihood Of Failure

I was chatting to someone last night who wanted my advice on a relationship issue.

She had been seeing someone semi-seriously over a 6 month period and she felt something was awry — he was not able to fully commit and lo and behold a friend of hers saw him still active on a dating site.

She was hurt and broke up with him. She got in contact with me as a few months on she felt ready to date again and started chatting to a guy she’d dated before but it wasn’t quite there for her that first time.

“I just remember how nice he was and why I dated him to begin with. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I wasn’t ready then”

She later when on to explain, “I just need to start dating again to get this guy out of my head”.

She sounded emotionally confused, still hurt — and my theory is, the more emotional pain you have, and the greater your need, that sets up a perceptual distortion that will cause you to (a) chose wrongly (b) end up hurting yourself or potentially someone else.

I see this in 1000s of people. UNLESS AND UNTIL you heal the emotional pain, and the unconscious programs causing you to chose suboptimal partners or project erroneously onto GREAT partners then it’s going to be a string of disasters (in all likelihood) in front of you.

Similarly, someone I knew a few years ago was dating profusely to avoid her pain and each time, she fell very emotionally involved with the new potential mate who inevitably withdrew and she was left with her pain, somewhat more amplified than before.

Fall on your own sword, turn inward, face the shadow, heal all the feelings that you do not want to feel. Clean yourself up. Get yourself into a place where there is ZERO need just a LOVE of the idea of having a great life with someone.

Please feel free to get in touch if you want to start and complete this inner journey. You can check out my S.A.F.E. In Love Course too:


Published by Dan Sainsbury Transformational Psychology

Dan Sainsbury is a world-leading transformational psychologist and healer.

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