Deep Romantic Psychology

When you fall in love with someone for the first time, or even IN LIKE with them, it can feel precarious. Fear of loss or fear of f*cking up is real (to coin that awful modern day parlance!).

What I’m about to say will make it easier but it’s a bit of a difficult one to get your head around to begin with.


The entirety of what you are falling in love with is in you. A perception-projection.

You are responding to perceptual coordinates that are coming from within you.

So when you fall in love with her, you are falling in love with a seeming outside “object” but your entire perception of her is projected from within.

Robert A. Johnson the SUPERB Jungian therapist writes beautifully and lucidly about this in his book We (buy the edition with the red cover — highly recommended).

He says that deep in the unconscious of a man is the ANIMA (the ideal woman he desires) and it is this he is responding to when he idealises a particular woman.

The equivalent for a woman is ANIMUS.

We are really falling in love with a type of mirage, projected onto a partner.

The inevitable challenge is when that mirage fades and you just see a normal fellow human being after a few months of living together.

So what’s the solution?

1/ Recognise that there is no him, it’s a projection coming from you. A projection you’ve projected countless times in your life onto different men you’ve dated or wanted to date.

2/ Own the projection. Breathe through all the feelings that come with it till you feel CLEAR and WHOLE.

3/ Ask yourself, what is this relationship FOR? And let the answer come.

Once you know the deeper REASON for the relationship, that will allow you to focus your energy on ensuring that happens (eg to experience joy together), rather than getting caught up in petty in-fighting and letting projections of resentment or neuroses foul what could be beautiful.

If you’d like any clarification on this or any help, please let me know. It’s a biggie!

Published by Dan Sainsbury Transformational Psychology

Dan Sainsbury is a world-leading transformational psychologist and healer.

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